Your Family Sucks

fam-like-yoursMy family is all congratulatory and patting you on the back for your recent completion of culinary school; treating you just like family… same as they did when we were married. That’s because their loyalty isn’t fake. They aren’t cold and shallow, I guess, like you fucking WASPs are.

Your family, on the other hand, have rendered me invisible. With the exception of your aunt following me on Facebook, to your relatives I may as well have never existed, despite having been MY family too, for 15 fucking years.

Well y’know what? Fuck them too. I’m sure they’ll just love your little Southern Christian girl, who probably goes to church and talks about Jesus as though she’s a shining example of piety. Little do they know she’s a cyberslut who sends explicit pictures to a guy she’s never met in person, and spends lots of time having online jack off sessions with. I’m assuming she’ll be coming for your graduation, since she’s so proud of you and all. Are you going to introduce her to your faire fuck, Evee, when you have a party to show her off to everyone? Does she know you still fantasize about Evee?

I really do hope you move to Mississippi and pursue your every dream, which will then be dashed upon the rocks of reality. This bitch will be a high maintenance nightmare who’ll tire of being the one making all the money (because good luck with that restaurant plan!), and suddenly her complaints will sound like echoes from the past… in my voice. More than that, I want you to end up realizing that for all your romanticizing of Gulfport, your friends and family, the fact is you can’t go back. You’ll never be happy there. Sure, your dad’s there and some friends, and even your cybergirlfriend… but it sucks and you know it. Why you’d want to live in a ghetto state with a bunch of ass-backward, bible-thumping fucktards is beyond me. But then again, you consider them your people.

Perhaps I gave myself too much credit for lifting you up out of the dumb redneck pool.

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